My mind is a mess ...

I think this year has been one of the most emotionally challenging of my life. The constant cycle of not knowing, followed by rejection and tears is a bit more than I can bear at times. I think the worst part is being rejected and not being allowed to ask "why?" The only commonality I have seen between my rejection letters is "we think you would benefit from more life experience." a.k.a. I am too young! grr... since when did knowing what you want to do right away become such a bad thing? I know that I am only 21, but I also know that this is the right career for me. I know which school is best for me, but why can't I make the admissions committee see that? I just need answers and to know where I went wrong.

After my interview on the East coast about one month ago my interviewer said that "I would like to congratulate you on an excellent interview. You have a very clear understanding of what it means to be an NP, the demands of the profession, and the challenges facing the nursing field in the coming years. You have definitely placed yourself in a competitive position for admission to the program." Yet, after all that, I was still wait-listed, which is almost worse than being flat out rejected! grr.. it is like having a tied game ... you can't be excited that you won, or know that you lost so you can deal with it and move on ... there is no relief, just more anxiety!

I was accepted to another school on the East coast a week ago and though the program is good, and the school still makes the top 10 for graduate school in my specialty, the program is larger, and the location not as ideal as my top choice school, so now I have to decide. Accept this schools offer by mid-march, before I would find out if I was accepted by my top choice, or give up my acceptance in the hope that I am admitted from the wait-list. It really is a difficult choice, there is so much that will have to change if I go to the graduate school I was accepted to just because of the academic calender. I would literally have to start school under a week after I graduate from undergrad! Not to mention that I help run a group on campus called global medical brigades, and each year I take a group of students with me to Honduras to set up portable clinics and provide care to those in need ... and if I take this offer, there is no Honduras this year, and I have left 40 students in the lurch. I know that at the end of the day I need to do what is best for me and my career, but is this really best? Is it true that it does not matter how you got there... just that you got there? or does the fact that one university is nationally ranked a few spots ahead of the other really matter? And how much should your emotional attachment to the school play a role in this decision?

When I walked onto my top choice campus I just got this feeling that, this is it, this is home. I felt immediately comfortable on the campus and with the host student I was staying with. Everything just felt right and I could see myself living and studying there. But, how much does environment really matter? My mind is just a huge mess of questions and conflicting thoughts, and I am being asked to make this decision far to quickly, and I don't want to give up everything I had planned, and let down all of the people that are counting on me. yikes... why does this have to be so difficult?!?

I guess in the meantime I will just start making my pro-con lists and start writing an update letter to my waitlisted school. Damn this sucks ...